Superwoman

I don't even know where to begin. I love my mom. I LOVE my mom. So many times I have said that I wanted to be nothing like my mother and I hated the frustration she sometimes brought. But tonight I sit back and think about it, think about our relationship....

Junior/Senior year my mom and I started to grow apart a lot. I didn't want to tell her things. I didn't want her advice. I wanted to do the things she didn't want me to. I wasn't as defiant as most but it angered me. I felt like she was holding me back. I even accused her once of destroying and putting down my dreams. I once aspired to be a musician. And, in all honestly, I probably could have if I had truly wanted it. At the time, I wanted to go to a music school and tone my skills that God had given me. But my mom shot it down. She told me that she didn't approve of me going to a school like that. I was crushed. I thought my mom was saying she didn't like who I was becoming; that she was saying she didn't approve of who I wanted to be. So I distanced myself and convinced my mind that she didn't want the best for me. I left for my first year of college, glad that I could be away from that and start doing what I wanted.

But God had other plans...

My mom was right. I wasn't cut out for music. I wasn't even cut out for my second choice, English. It wasn't meant for me; I just didn't know it at the time. Slowly, freshman year of college I started growing back into a friendship with my mom. I started telling her about who I liked and who I didn't, what profs where cool and which I would avoid for eternity, what I struggled with. This year my mom and I started having monthly dinners together and I began to look forward to them! I told my mom things I never thought I'd tell her! Guilt and shame that I felt. Things that i was not proud of. Things I was angry about. Things I desired. Now, I keep my mom updated. I don't tell her everything (hey! A girl's gotta have SOME freedom!) but I tell her what is important to me and I make sure that everyone who means a lot to me meets her because I hope that someday I can be half the woman she is. Half of her would be...incredible! My mom is one of the strongest people I know! She's been through...so much. She's seen so much and helped people through so much. Even tonight my bestie and I were talking about a bunch of things and she brought up something my mom mentioned to her. It made me happy that my friends look up to my mom too. My mom's heart is so far reaching. She loves so many as if they were her own flesh and blood. I only hope to be just like her. She's so silly (just ask about yoga fish or helmets) yet she cares so much about the people in her life that she is willing to sacrafice for them. She is so trong. She is my hero. I want to be my mom because my mom is Superwoman.

Human nature

Why do I have to be human? Why do I have to have flaws? Why can't I be as strong as I want to be? Ugh! It frustrates me so much that I have to be weak at times. Why do those feelings creep up on me? I hate being jealous. It's sickening that I am. Here is something so beautiful and so obviously from God and I am sitting here wishing I didn't have to watch at times. I don't want it to end (Oh please, God, no!) in any way, shape, or form. In fact, I wish I could keep it here so it didn't have to leave for a while. I just wish that.....well, I wish I was content too. I was. I used to be...until some of those feelings I was talking about crept up on me. Not jealousy this time though. No this one has more to do with bliss and happiness. I just think it's being clouded by confusion and twisted by the jealousy. So, until I can figure out how to blow away the fog and wring out the jealousy, I'm doomed to this pitiful human nature. I sat in the hammock last night, out in the freezing cold (my toes were numb), crying out to God, asking Him for guidance, telling Him that I wasn't strong and that I didn't have the answers. It scares me, the future. I have so many words of comfort and guidance for the beautiful and obvious blessing. When it comes to that, God can't seem to STOP talking. But when it comes to me.......silence. Then my reality kicks in, the part of me that makes me who I am and I realize how much complaining I have just done. The guilt sets in, the shaking of my head in shame. I sit up a little straighter, remember not everything in life is fair. Remember that God has His own timing and remember that in no way shape or form has He forgotten about His little human daughter. sigh. I can do this.....with some help of course because there is no way I am as strong as people think I am. Inhale. Ready, set, GO!

Chivalry

What the heck happened to chivalry? What the heck happened to courtesy and kindness? Has the world fallen into stubborn and cruel hands? I'm beginning to believe so. And beginning to believe that almost everyone is caving in to the conformity.

This morning I was on my way to work when I got stopped at a red light. Then I was stopped at a green light....for a while and I am not a patient green light "waiter." So I look and see that the girl two cars ahead of me isn't moving and I can tell that she is panicking. I realize that her car won't start. I'm trying to pull up to see if I can help but the woman in front of me isn't moving. I, then assume that the lady is going to help and I got really excited, but no. She backs up and drives off. I was so angry. So I pull up behind the girl (she looks 17 but she informed me that she's 20 later on). No, I don't know much about cars, but I know enough to try and few things and if all else fails then put it in neutral and push it to the side of the road. I did those few things and I put it in neutral...or at least I tried. The shift was stuck, the car completely dead. Not even the emergency lights would work. And then I did what all girls do when stuck with a car problem and unable to call AAA...I called my dad! We figured out that it was probably the battery since it was corroding and there was no power. My dad, being the hero that he is, went home to get backing soda and come over to help us, but he was still 20 mins off. The girl's dad was about the same. We sat there for a good 30 mins and you want to know how many people offered to help? Zero. None of the bunches of cars that past us even rolled down a window to see if we were ok. I was SO angry! This poor girl was so confused and she'd never had this happen before. I barely even knew what to do so there was little chance of MY help! But I couldn't leave her alone. Where is the kindness that people used to lend to one another when someone was in need? Even 3 years ago I had 2 guys help me push my car when it ran out of gas in the middle of an intersection. Where were the two guys for this girl? Where was the kindness and compassion for this girl? Non-existant. Sure, i stopped. Sure, I was nice. But I couldn't do a whole heck of a lot and someone with a little bit of muscle or knowledge on cars would have been a godsend. Oh and after sitting there for 30 mins, do you know what it took to start the car? A little shake of some wires. That's it. Someone who knew cars and pulled over for 2 mins could have helped us, but no. People are rude and in too much of a hurry to the chaos they call life that they can't even be a few minutes late to work to help someone out. Absolutely pitiful.

Flying Flip

One friend telling me to bring out the poet in me ("writer's block my butt") and another saying blogging isn't for personal stuff. Thanks for the advice, guys. Here's a little of both:

One step.
Jump a little over the black hill.
Landing in the meadow of white.
Jump a little.
Skip a Little.
One foot on the black, one foot on the white.
Lots of them join, hopping and jumping, others walking along.
No one knows what it is until the end.
No one hears the song the fingers play.
No one hears the song.


Basically, you can hate it. I don't give a flying flip. I'm just happy to be writing something from my own head of my own free will. Maybe one day I'll pick up one those stories...maybe

Chaos

So here is the deal. I’ve got this crazy bunch of emotions piling up inside my chest, inside my mind, inside my body. I just can’t figure it all out. Everything is a battle within my soul right now. I can’t think straight. My soul it sighs. A deep sigh. So profound and spiritually physical that I can’t distinguish it. Is my body physically aching? Or is this just an emotion running deep down inside of me? My mind thinks of it over and over. Picking at every detail, trying to solve it out the best way I know how. The problem is that there is an unknown variable that I never counted for. God. He’s changed the whole dynamic. The whole layout. I don’t know what to expect anymore. My past predictions and encounters don’t line up this time. I CAN’T FIGURE IT OUT! I hate not knowing things! What am I gonna do! I can’t handle this pressure and strain and confusion!!!! I stretch out my hands and lift up my heart in all of its pain and frustration and then….I can breathe.