Water and Breath

Seriously, how do they expect me to sit in a cubicle in a quiet office after that!? I'm so glad that I didn't skip chapel today. It was the drink of clear, crisp, spring water that my soul needed! Not many people I know grew up engaging in worship they way I did. I was on a dance "team" where we danced to worship in church every once in a while. I grew up being able to dance behind the back row just jumping and spinning and waving my arms around. I don't feel like I am quite invited to do that here at APU, so I take it where I can get it. Today I got it :) Now, I danced throughout worship....and I danced a LOT! I could feel the eyes on me. "What the heck does that girl think she is doing with her hips in church???" I'm moving them, people. I'm swaying and popping and dancin' like a lot of white girls don't dance. Not sayin' I'm good at it but I do it anyway. This is church....where people meet God, praise God, give themselves to God. God made me. He made my body. He made it not to just stand there and sing....He made it to MOVE! So, maybe some think that I move too scandalously for chapel. I say, "To each his own." This is how I praise my God because this is how He made me. So, enjoy your quiet time and standing their prayin' with Jesus, seriously. But I'm gonna catch my breath after dancing around that aisle for an hour... ;)

Tunnel

Wow. I never thought it would come to this. I never thought it would just end. There was always that hope. I thought it was a growing hope too. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. But now....the tunnel caved in. I can't go back. I can hear the train coming. I'm stuck in here. There is no out. There is no changing things. I'm forced to brace myself for the impact of emotions. It's all my fault. Had I known, things would have happened so differently. had I known this would be the end result.....I would have tried harder. I didn't mean for you to leave. I didn't know that you were so upset with me, that you could only handle spending small amounts of time with me. I would have....well, I don't know what I would have done, but I wouldn't have let it come to this. No I sit here in the dark, sobbing. Never have I ever had such a terrible thing happen because of me. I am crushed; I am hurt; I am weak......I am so sorry.

Snow Globe

Have you ever had something in your life that you so badly did not want to screw up?.....but you were so sure that were going to one way or another? That one thing is more important to you than you ever could have dreamed of. It's so precious. It's like a snow globe. I don't know that I've ever owned a snow globe, but I love them and I've always wanted to. They are so beautiful. Little scenes on the inside with water and snowflakes floating around. I love them. I love to watch them for long periods of time just imagining things and such. But have you ever seen a snow globe break? I have. It's tragic. It not only breaks, it shatters. There is no saving it. The glass breaks into tiny pieces, the water spills on the floor, the flakes fall to the ground. The scene looks so forsaken when it isn't surrounded by all that makes it magic. I don't want this to be like that. I don't want to have it and then accidentally drop it. I couldn't fix it after that. It'd be shattered and would never be the same again. I don't think I could bear to see that. So....is it better to own the snow globe and risk dropping it? Or never own it at all?

Upside down

What do you do with life when you don't understand it? "Life doesn't make sense, but living does." My closest friend said that and it made me pause. Life really doesn't make sense. As of now, as of 2 weeks ago, my life doesn't make sense. My world got flipped upside down. I'm not complaining in any way shape or form. I love this new development. It's exciting and thrilling and so totally from God. But it doesn't make sense. Where in God's green earth did this come from!? Oh, right. It didn't come of this world. Like I said, completely upside down. But I don't want it to end!! Please, no! I'm perfectly content living this way. Sure, some additions to the development would be nice, but I know that God's timing is ideal and that's what I want. So I sit here stopping everything I've normally done. I redirect my thoughts for the sake of them being filled with the Spirit. I pray hour after hour in order to keep my focus in the right direction. I don't know how I'm going to get through the days, months, years to come. But I know that I can't wait :)

Silence

We were called to silence today in chapel. Silence to hear the still small voice of God. I didn't want to...but what else was I going to do? I leaned forward in my seat, hands clasped before me, eyes closed, head bowed. I began to pray. It started with confusion and a desire for guidance. Then it changed. I prayed for IT to be taken away. I don't want IT. I want to be solely focused on God, nothing else. I'm so much happier with Jesus. I don't get sad and frustrated while I live in Jesus. My heart sped up, my breathing became rapid and deep, my eyes welled with tears. I repeated, over and over, "I don't want it. Please. Take it away!" I wanted someone around me to comfort me in this despair. And then it happened in an instant. My heart slowed; my breath was soft, my eyes stopped tearing. I felt the faintest comfort as if a mother was rubbing the back of her child. And in that instance I knew everything was going to be okay. Missing man choir concerts didn't matter. Stupid "jamba juice" didn't matter. Even school and work didn't matter. Nothing mattered in comparison to the fact that God was with me in that moment, holding me in that moment, loving me in that moment. I had been playing with my purity ring during that time and during the one song we sang for music worship. I was about to put it back on my hand and looked down at it. If anyone knows about my ring they know that it has a heart on it and I wear the heart according to my relationship status because it is a version of the Irish claddagh ring and that is it's "purpose." I've worn it upside down for over a year now and I always instinctively put it on that way, but when I went to put it on today it was right side up, technically showing I was in a relationship. I went to flip it but I paused for a second. My purity ring does not show dedication to a man or anything worldly. My purity ring is my vow to God. With that, I slipped my ring on the right way this time, different than I have been for the past year. I'm not in a relationship with a guy, but I am in a relationship with my Savior, as evidence has proven to me today. No one is going to notice that I flipped my ring. No one is gonna notice that I'm taking a step in a new direction necessarily. But that's okay. I know the truth. I know how I feel. And that is all that matters. God is my focus, whether I like it or not :) I listen to my ipod at work and usually jump around picking songs I like before I put it on shuffle. Well, the first song that played after my picking and choosing (I really only listened to one song of my choosing and that was Revelation 19 by the APU Man Choir) was Welcome Home You by Brian Littrell. And the words hit home:

When I left home to be who I am
Some people said "No Way"
But I laid it all down, gave everything
In my head rang the words that my father said

You're never far
I will be where you are
and when you come to me
I will open my arms

Welcome Home, you
I know you by name
How do you do?
I shine because of you today
So come and sit down
Tell me how you are
I know son, it's good just to see your face.

When I look at you holding my heart
I will give to you all that I have
Son I know there'll be times
You will feel all alone
I will share with you the words my father said

You're never far
I will be where you are
and when you come to me
You can bet I will open my arms

Welcome Home, you
I know you by name
How do you do?
I shine because of you today
So come and sit down
Tell me how you are
I know son, it's good just to see your face

Said I've been waiting for that day
Just to feel your warm embrace
Your love has shown
I will never be alone
You will welcome me home

I'll forever be
You will say to me
Welcome Home, you
I know you by name
How do you do?
I shine because of you today
So come and sit down
Tell me how you are
I know son, it's good just to see your face

When I left home to be who I am
Some people said "No Way"

Awesome, right? The bold parts are the ones that spoke to me the most. It didn't stop there. The next song was Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns:

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

Chorus:
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Yeah. This whole song would be bold. I kinda laughed to myself at how blatant God was being. And I knew it was going to stop there because the chances that my ipod would pick another song just for me were very slim to none. But God had other ideas. Adding to the Noise by Switchfoot came on and I literally laughed out loud. This is what we had been talking about at the beginning of chapel! Silence in all the craziness that this world has become. It got to a part where the song said to turn it off because it was adding to the noise. And in that moment I knew that today was a day for listening. Not to people chattering, not to my ipod, not to anything but God. So as I sit here and write this, I wait. Listening for that still, small voice of reassurance that everything is going to be okay.

In the state of Confusion...

There are two kinds of food. One is a Jamba drink. A sweet, tangy smoothie that makes your mouth pucker, but sends sweet deliciousness down your throat. I like Jamba drinks a LOT! I am always excited to drink them! The other food is chocolate chip cookies. Ooey and gooey and melt-in-your-mouth. I could eat those kind of cookies ALL day! It brings a feeling of comfort and warmth. Chocolate chip cookies melt my heart. But, as always seems to be, there is a catch. You can only pick one kind of food to eat in order to even THINK about getting out of the state of Confusion. None of the borders can be passed unless you've picked a food. And you can't ever have both. Which do you choose? Which would you want to eat day in and day out? It's near impossible to choose because there is a second catch. Once you pick that one, you can't ever have the other. So the question is: tangy or sweet? Exciting zing or melt your heart? I honestly can't decide.

Caring

What does it mean to care about someone? What does it mean to put their needs before your own? What if what you thought was really just a twisted version of caring? What if it wasn't seen as caring to someone else? What if other people saw it as selfish? What if other people saw it as boasting? What if other people still saw you as this amazing person that you know you are not? What if they thought that what you were doing was a blessing, but you just do it because you know you were meant to? Who's right? Who's wrong? What's true? What's false? How could we even begin to measure that, judge that? What if I'm doing this for the wrong reasons? What if I'm doing it to live vicariously?

But that's just one instance. Put yourself in the situation that you would change for anything in this world? What if it was the one person you wish you could make happy even if they never knew it was you? Would you do it? If you could change their entire circumstances, take away their pain, erase the brokenness....all without them knowing it was you, would you do it? What if they went running back to the brokenness? What then? Was it all for nothing? Could you watch them do that all over again? It sort of reminds me of God, in a way. He gives us this amazing love and a chance to erase away all the hurt. Yet, we constantly go back to it. How do we stop? How do we stay away from the things that break us? Why is it so darn difficult to keep our gaze on Him? Why is it that we run out of His arms in to the pain of this world? Why are we so....stubborn? .... that's it. Stubbornness. We're stubborn. We want to do it on our own. That explains it....I can't fix stubbornness. That's something you have to work through on you own. I'm not one to sway my opinion because of what other people think, especially in situations so close to my heart. I care. Bottom line. Take that as you will. Whether you think it is a blessing or a selfish act. I can't deny or agree either way because you each have your own opinions. I am the way I am. I am the way God created me to be. He gave me this tender heart to be there for the people who need me. So here I am; take it or leave it. i want to help. I want to be a support. I want to listen. I want to comfort. I want to carry. I want to be there.....but you have to let me. Until you do, I'm standing on the sidelines watching you run back to the pain. I ache for you. I wish it didn't have to be like this but you are being so damn stubborn. But, in the end, whether you like it or not, I care...