You're gonna miss this

I was thinking about life, past and present and future. And I remember a time when I was always looking to the next event. Isn't that how we all seem to live? When is the next birthday? When will I meet her? When will I get married, have kids, find the right job? Am i ever gonna be 21? When I get out of here (fill in the blank). But talking to my grandparents and my parents, they tend to wish they were right back where we are when they were our age. Everyone wants to be somewhere else. But not me....

I like where I am! I don't think I'd want to move through life any faster or have anything different. Sure there are days I wish I had more money to pay for school or a boyfriend or my old church family back. But this is the moment God wants me to be in. Here and now is where He wants me to be. So I'm gonna live in it. I''m gonna revel in it. What good does it do to wish I had some of my old friends or wish I didn't have the drama I do now. What good does it do pining after a wedding day that in all reality may never come. Or a job a may never have. God has something better planned for me. No matter what I dream up, it's going to be different. I can picture myself at the altar or at a desk or with a child in my arms, but it's gonna be so different. So much better if God lets it be so. He knows me better than I know myself and He knows what I need. And He's giving me what I need right here, right now. No more, no less. And I'm happy. I'm happy being single. I'm happy at APU. I'm happy learning. I'm happy with the friends God gave me. Sure, that doesn't mean things can't change. If God gave me a boyfriend, moved me to a different school, gave me different friends, I'd be ok with that after I got used to it. Sure it would be a lot to deal with, for good or bad. But not all change is bad. All I know is that I am loved; I am safe; I am blessed. So blessed. I don't want to be anywhere but here. God will give me all of those things when He thinks I need them. But for now I sit here and wait patiently, contenly, in this bliss.

I'll Be Home for Christmas

So this blog was going to be something completely different and then a friend of mine started talking to me and I realized that I can't complain without feeling guilty about it. I have realized that I tend to whine about going home because of my lack of friends there. But I am going to make the best of it. I mean, I get to spend time with my family now. I can actually connect with my brother and figure out what is going through his thick head and get him to straighten up his act :) And my sister, man, I want to read some of her sick stories! Vampires and bubble worlds, come on (Arrested Development just for you, Eric)! Who doesn't want to read that!?! Maybe I'll finally get used to my littlest brother's quirkiness and little punk attitude. Or I could help my dad pick locks (not really but yes). Or read over my mom's essays for her class (which she is always afraid of failing and yet gets nothing less than 95%). I could play with my dogs instead of passing them by like I usually do. But I think the thing that I am most excited for is Christmas. Not even the gifts or the food this year (in fact I am pretty sure I didn't even tell anyone what I wanted for Christmas....actually, pretty sure I didn't even make a list in my head). I'm excited for my outlook on Christmas this year. We had a chapel a little over a week ago about Jesus (surprise surprise!), but I got something new out of it that I never really paid attention to before. I should have; it's actually a huge part of the story, but this year it actually hit me that God was a baby. A tiny infant held all the divine power of the universe. A child.....I just can't even wrap my head around it. I wonder what he was thinking as a baby...did he still have the mind of divinity and was unable to communicate besides like that of a baby? Could he comprehend in that moment what his purpose on that earth was? Did he even understand it as a young child? Was he afraid then? Did he ever doubt and wish he could take it back? I guess I won't know until I am in heaven. I'm ok with that. But this year I get to think about all that going into the story. I might actually enjoy the nativity story that my dad reads on Christmas story instead of saying I'd heard it a million times before. My goal, my wish this year is to find something new that I can take into my relationship with God. Something that maybe reveals a little more about my Savior that I never saw before. It's my hope....

Fairytales don't exist but love does

I grew up, like most girls, watching the Disney princesses find true love and live happily ever after. I always wanted to be them. I wanted the prince to come and sweep me off of my feet. I wanted to be romanced and rescued. Loved and cherished until the end of time. I wanted that perfect life until the end of time. Well, I am older now and I know that fairytales don't exist. Happily ever after is only for a while. But there is one thing from those stories and movies that I know exists and that is love.

I know there is a prince out there for me. Now, I know he is not perfect by any means. He's not gonna slay the dragon or rescue me like some damsel in distress. Heck, I don't want him to!! I want him to want me and tell me so. That's it. I want us to come to the table whole, not needing each other for selfish reasons or as a crutch, so that we can come together and make something for God. I want to fight by his side and hold him up when he needs support along the way. I want him, in turn, to be able to be my support when I fail. When one of us needs encouragement, I want us to give it. When one of us lacks faith, I want us to pray together for strength. I want to be his right hand. I want to be the one who surprises him just because I can. I want to know who he is and know what makes him happy. I want to be all I can be for him especially if that means calling on God to help me grow and learn more. Someday my prince will come....and we won't ride into the sunset but, instead, I will take his hand and we will walk side-by-side down the road of life praying for God to be with us. Only then will we be ready for whatever comes our way be it wicked witches, dragons, or just life itself.

I never really knew

I never knew how much control i have over how my day goes. I was having a really crappy morning. My thought my ipod crashed and I couldn't get ready or finish my chores. I had to catch a trolley to class. I have 3 presentations and 2 essays this week. And I woke up crabby. But I decided to be positive and optimistic about the day. And it is working. I am laughing and not even faking it! I am smiling and meaning it! And I am not even really stressed about my week. I know God is with me and he has better things for me to be invlved in than worrying about a broken USB port :)

Finding gold

Francis Chan was talking in chapel today about how everything is for God's glory and how we have no right to expect anything. But he also mentioned something about accepting people and it reminded me of a friend of mine....

She is one of my dearest friends. I might even call her one of my best friends. She's one of the most amazing people I know! I love her very much :) But there are times when she will start telling a story or go to make a comment about what someone has said and she suddenly stops and gets this look on her face. It is a look of fear, guilt, and surprise at herself for almost slipping. She freezes and she doesn't know what to do. It was only lately that I began to realize that her past is shadier than she likes to let on to most people. It is these frozen moments where she was about to tell me something about the person she used to be. She knows from past experience that most are not accepting of who she was. She knows that she will be condemmed for what she did. But I am not most people...I don't care who she was or what she did. If anything I want to know about it so that I can see how much she has grown and become even more of who God wants her to be. It takes a bit of encouragement before she opens up and tells me what she had originally intended to tell me. But I just smile and look at her and say, "That is not the girl you are now. You are a woman of God and you do not have to be labeled by your past. I am your friend and I love you. I accept you, sketchy past and all!"

I was struck with the reality of this during chapel and with the realization that this is who God has called me to be. He has called me to be a friend to everyone, but especially to those who are so used to one version of humanity. I love seeing the look on my friend's face when she realizes that I am not going to judge her in the least bit. it's like she has struck gold. These are the blessings God has bestowed on me to share with others: acceptance and forgiveness. I will use these gifts to the best of my ability to bring glory to my heavenly Father.

Srength will rise as we wait upon the Lord

I CAN do this! Everyday behind me is another day that God helped me succeed.

"Christ in me..."

His strength in me will get me through.

What if...

What if I got everything I desired for right now. Would I be happy? Would I truly enjoy what was given to me? In all honesty, I probably wouldn't. I didn't work for it. I didn't struggle and grow for it. It would have been handed to me on a silver platter as if I was some rich New York princess and I wouldn't be able to see it's value.

So, here I am struggling, wishing, hoping, working, waiting, growing for it. For what my heart TRULY desires, which is God's will. If it isn't in His will for me then I don't want it. Truth is, if it isn't in his will then it isn't going to work out. So, why would I want that? I don't care how perfect that guy is or how great that job is, it make work for a while but it isn't going to last if it isn't of God.

So as hard as it is to be patient and trust God, I am going to because I know that it is going to turn out the best that way.

As I lay living...

My friend has a poster up in his apartment for the band As I Lay Dying. I never really gave it much thought until I was thinking of a title for this post. It was the first thing that came to mind. Why? It could be because I was over there just yesterday playing Rock Band and I saw it. It could be because I have seen it a hundred times before. Or it could be something else...

Maybe it is because I don't understand it. I don't understand why someone would name a band after such a depressing phrase. Maybe...

I think it because I feel like I am dying. I am not the old me I was in Junior High or even High School. I have one friend from that lifetime that I still keep in regular contact with. My best friends abandoned me. My friends abandoned me. The boy I loved at the time abandoned me. Or maybe, in a twisted way, I abandoned them...

I mean, I tried hard to stay in contact and mend things. Believe me. But maybe deep down I really wanted away. I wanted something different because I knew I was changing. I was becoming a different person. I don't mean I morphed into a monster or became a model or anything. But they way I think, act, and feel is different now. I feel older and more responsible for where my life goes. I have taken my spirituality to a level I didn't think I would ever reach. I am communicating with GOD! How cool is that? But with that responsibility and communication comes this heavy burden that I am having trouble bearing. I am forbidden from eating the fruit and yet these two pieces just keep taunting me, floating right in front of my face, just out of reach. If I put in some effort I could get them most likely. I could reach out and either of them could be mine. But there is a Voice whispering in my ear saying, "Be still and know that I am God." So I sit here trying to be so patient. I don't know if I can do it. I am so tired and frustrated of standing so still. I want to DO something!!! I want to take charge of the situation...but I know that God is trying to teach me trust and humility along with patience and perseverance. So here I sit, waiting and listening, praying on my knees that God will save me from my insanity.