This heart

I don’t know if I trust my heart to a human. I don’t know if I can willingly go through the pain of handing them my heart. One of two things always happen. Either they reject it right away or they pretend they want it for a while and then trample it in the dust. I don’t know if I can do that again. Will my heart ever be safe? Can I ever trust someone with it?

…

I think I know one place. I think I know someone who would never do that. I think if I put it in His hands that I might be ok. I think that if I gave it to Him that He would protect it like it was the rarest jewel He’s ever seen. I think if He had it, it would be high up, safe from being trampled on. If He was given my heart I don’t think He’d reject it. I think He wants it to keep for always. And then….I think the day that someone worthy of my affection comes along seeking my heart, I think on that day He will give that man my heart with cautious words:

Do you see this heart, young man? This heart is special. This heart is unique. This heart is not something to joke around with. If I give you this heart, you must promise to protect it, care for it, nurture it, love it. I know you are not perfect and sometimes you will fail. In those instances you can hand me this heart for safe keeping for a short time, but if you are taking this heart then you need to understand the responsibilities that come with it. I don’t want this heart trampled on again. I am trusting you, son. I am trusting you with one of My most precious creations. And the only reason I am giving you this opportunity is because I think you are the one for this. I think you are the one person who will do this heart justice and live up to the potential I have planned for it. Do you accept all these things and promise that this heart will be second only to Me? Then I give you this heart with many many blessings. Go forth and may this earth be blessed by My glory in you both.

I literally cannot wait for that day…

Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't change it if I wanted to

Never let a bad day be enough to go and talk you into giving up…

On the days I feel hopeless. On the days I feel like I’ll never reach that point. On the days I feel like everyone else is going to get their happy ending without me. On the days I think that I am going to be forgotten. On the days I think I’m worthless. I’ll remember this on those days. I’ll remember that there will always be a brighter day. I’ll remember that tomorrow is another chance for hope. I’ll remember that tomorrow is one day closer. I’ll remember that I have a Savior who will not forsake me and will not leave me in my sorrow. He will lift me up out of the pit of despair. He will set my feet on solid ground. I need not fear for He is near me every step of the way. Their happy ending will look nothing like my happy ending. Their story will be nothing like mine. God is going to work in my life like He has never worked in anyone else’s. I am His in a way that no one else is. I wouldn’t change that for the world.

Epiphany

We've all heard it. "Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy...." Blah blah blah...

...or maybe not...

Love. Is. Patient.

Love is patient.

Love is-ooooh! I get it! Patient!

That's the first thing love is.

That's the first thing I must learn. Patience. Frick. Why is the hardest one first? Patience sucks. It's not fair. Everyone says it's a growing experience. Screw growth!!! I want love! *sigh* Ok, fine. I know I'm wrong. I usually am on these things. Now I just sit here. Doing nothing, wanting everything. Is it too much to ask for a little encouragement? A little comfort? I just wish I knew the ending. But for now I just sit here, waiting, reading this over and over:

"I beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..." -Rainer Maria Rilke

Not forgotten

Beauty in brokenness. Beauty in worship. Beauty in God....

I sat on my porch yesterday looking at the hills and I wanted nothing more than to go Home. Not 15 minutes away to my family, but Home to my Father. I didn't want to die; I just wanted to be with my Savior. I wanted to be with my Jesus. Maia came and sat on the porch with me and I sobbed. "I want to go out to the middle of nowhere. I want to escape technology, traffic, noise, people. Anything and everything man-made. I'm sick of it. I want to be in Creation with YHWH. I don't feel Him here. I pray and I pray, but I don't hear anything anymore. It used to be so clear. I felt Him in my soul. I can't anymore." She told me that maybe I wasn't listening right and it just made me more upset. All I want it Jesus. Nothing here even matters. I started a blog on priorities, but never finished it. Basically, I was reflecting on how it was intriguing to me how priorities change so often and the things important to me today may not be so in a year, or even tomorrow. Then, on Friday, while watching Man Choir, Eternity hit me. What I mean is that I have these moments where Eternity dawns on me and I realize that forever has no end! Well, duh, right? But think about it. Everything we know in this world has an end. With God. There. Is. No. End. For-ever. Sometimes it hits me and I can't do anything but pray and be in awe of God. It made me realize that no matter how much I want or care about things in this life, nothing even comes a fraction of an inch close to eternity with YHWH. I can't WAIT for that. I am SO excited! But for now I am here and I have to revel in the beauty I find here. Maia told me that God is here in this man-made jungle dwelling in people. That is where I find my beauty. I already wrote about brokenness before God being the most beautiful thing and I am so blessed to be able to have witnessed that! But I found the second thing on Friday too. I love seeing people worship God in a setting that is not necessarily called for it. I have a friend in choir who worships God even while others around him are busy just singing words. He stands on the end of the riser with his eyes closed and I smile at the beauty of his openness with the Father. It is truly a beautiful thing. He doesn't know I've seen him and I dare not tell him because I feel like it is something so personal...but I know God speaks through moments like that. And He definitely spoke to me, showing me that He IS here among technology, traffic, and noise. He is here and He is watching out for me. I was so distraught yesterday, but I did what I do in those situations and I baked cookies for my friends. I don't even really like eating them a whole lot, but I love baking them with love and seeing people take delight in them. I made a double batch last night. Which is saying something. I still don't know why but God blessed me with something last night. He gave me a gift and I could almost hear Him saying, "Hey, kiddo. I'm still here. Don't even worry." My heart smiled with relief and comfort as I thanked jesus for remembering me. So, today I smile and dance. Today, I pray for my friends. Today, I laugh. Today, I worship. Today I fall in love with YHWH a little more. Today is definitely a Hope day, bordering on Love because Jesus is pouring it on me :)

Stopping

I was on a path, blindfolded. The path was straight so I had no fear of bumping in to anything, but I wasn't moving. Well, it's like a month ago God took off the blindfold and I look back only to realize that I WAS moving and I'd moved really far! But now the path is twisted and it has all these turns and I can see WHERE I need to go.....but God won't let me move yet. He whispers in my ear, "Wait." It's like I'm at a stoplight before getting on the freeway. You know how it doesn't turn green until you come to a full and complete stop? But you don't want to stop because that will make it that much harder to speed up to join the cars on the freeway. I haven't come to a full and complete stop, but I can't cross that line until I do. I'm trying, but I just can't seem to find the brake.....sigh

1 Corinthians 13:13

Love is the days that happiness is exuding from your very core. Love is for the days that you can't help but shout from the mountain tops. Love is the days that a smile crinkles your eyes. Love is for the days that you want to thank God over and over again for the blessings He has given you.

Hope is the days that Love is not quite there. Hope is the days where patience is key. Hope is for the days when you can almost see the Love ones. Hope is the days you put all of your trust in God because you know He'll bring the Love days.

Faith is the days that you have neither Hope nor Love. Faith is the days that you have nothing else to hold on to. Faith is the days that you know your Savior has always pulled you through and you know He will again. Faith is the days that are the hardest, but you know that God loves you and will not forsake you.

Today is a Hope day.

Hope

I went to junior high camp this weekend. Not for me (obviously), but as a counselor for my group of junior high girls. I didn't want to go. I was angry and a little bitter that I was losing my whole weekend to an event I didn't even want to attend. But I went. On the way up the mountain I plugged in my earphones and sorta detached myself from everyone's company. We arrived, unpacked, and ate food. Then we went to chapel. And that's where it all began. The theme of the weekend was Misplaced. I thought it was going to talk about not fitting in....but we talked about hope. Hope in the wrong things; hope in the right One. My attention had been caught. Day Two rolls around. I begin to share with my girls what is going on in my life with friends and guys. I told them that they could ask me anything; I was an open book and I wouldn't share anything with them that I didn't want to so they didn't have to feel bad about asking. Some of them gave up their free-time because they wanted to know. I was more than happy to share with them! The funny thing is that as I shared, they encouraged. I had been feeling a bit of despair and discourage lately. But, my girls, upon hearing bits of my story, lifted me up and reminded me where my hope lies and reminded me what hope is. Hope implies waiting patiently for something that could happen. Wishing is wanting something that is most likely unattainable. My girls reminded me to hope. They reminded me that hoping is persevering and waiting patiently for God to move. And they were right. I felt renewed after talking with them. And then night chapel came. The altar call was given to give your life to God or rededicate your life. All my kids were fine. Then they showed a video. A video on The Crowd vs. The Cross was shows and the song that played in the background was Your Grace Still Amazes Me. I saw a couple of them began to tear up. Then worship came and the one next to me started weeping a little. I put my arm around her and held her a little. She stayed for a song and then sat up to worship. I looked in front of my and another of my girls was weeping uncontrollably. Her body was shaking. No one in the entire chapel was moving. I knew that standing would cause attention to be drawn to me and cause a disturbance. I was out of my seat before anyone could blink an eye. No one else in the room mattered. I sat next to her and she collapsed with grief in my arms. I held her as tightly as I could as she sobbed her heart out. I prayed in her ear telling her that I loved her and even better the Creator of Love loved her; she had heard those words and broke down even more. I held her closer. I looked back and my little one was shedding a fountain of tears. I pulled her over the pack of the pew and held her them both, one on each side. I told them I loved them and that Jesus loved them. They held me tighter. I sang the words "Sin has lost its power. Death has lost its sting" as I held them and I broke down. I shook with happiness. I finally understood what Maia was trying to tell me about desires. In that moment, holding two of the most precious blessings I had ever known, I knew one thing. I would be ok with this for the rest of my life. I used to be so afraid to lead a life without a companion, without someone to spend the rest of my life with. But sitting there, I knew I wouldbe ok without that person if I could have the privilege of being that vessel for God in order to lead people to a place of brokenness for Him. It's not my first choice to be alone, but I could accept it, maybe even begin to enjoy it if I could live a life like this weekend. Sunday morning chapel we learned about anacondas, which seemingly have nothing to do with anything, but they told us how to escape an anaconda. 1) you don't run, 2) you lie down flat on the ground, 3) you don't panic, 4) you put your chin to the ground, 5) you let the anaconda swallow you up to your knees, and 5) you stab it with a knife upward from inside the mouth to the brain. The point being, you let it think it has the advantage before you kill it. I think I did that this weekend. All this time, the enemy has thought he's had his foot in the door with my fear of being alone. He's taunted me with it and never let it be far from my thoughts. But this weekend, I stabbed him in the mouth. All that he's worked for to taunt me and torture me is useless because I'm ok with it now. I'm not saying I feel 100 times better, but I don't feel so weighed down. I know that whatever happens is going to be ok! it's going to be more than ok, cause God is on MY side and He has a plan for me! I freakin' love junior high camp! Thank you, Jesus, for knowing what I needed and dragging my sorry butt outta bed to experience Your glory. My hope is certainly in You and You alone.