Pain

I know it's been a while, but I had nothing to talk about before. I do now. I'm so lost now. I have no idea where I am going. No idea what I am doing. No idea what I am thinking. All I know is what I feel and that is pain and loneliness. I've never felt so....ugh. Just when i thought next year was going to be my pick-me-up, it all comes crashing down. My friends are leaving and not just any friends, my best friends. I don't have anyone to live with. I'll probably end up at home. I feel so alone. I am struggling right now; how am I going to survive next semester? I am literally falling on my knees, crying out for guidance and deliverance. This isn't fair. I'm already dealing with other things. Do my friends really have to leave? Why does everything have to change? Why can't it all work out for once? I hate this! God, why? Why now? Why me? Why us? They are in pain. I'm in pain. I know it's good, but still! Please, love on us all. Comfort us. Guide us. Our lives are in Your hands.

This heart

I don’t know if I trust my heart to a human. I don’t know if I can willingly go through the pain of handing them my heart. One of two things always happen. Either they reject it right away or they pretend they want it for a while and then trample it in the dust. I don’t know if I can do that again. Will my heart ever be safe? Can I ever trust someone with it?

…

I think I know one place. I think I know someone who would never do that. I think if I put it in His hands that I might be ok. I think that if I gave it to Him that He would protect it like it was the rarest jewel He’s ever seen. I think if He had it, it would be high up, safe from being trampled on. If He was given my heart I don’t think He’d reject it. I think He wants it to keep for always. And then….I think the day that someone worthy of my affection comes along seeking my heart, I think on that day He will give that man my heart with cautious words:

Do you see this heart, young man? This heart is special. This heart is unique. This heart is not something to joke around with. If I give you this heart, you must promise to protect it, care for it, nurture it, love it. I know you are not perfect and sometimes you will fail. In those instances you can hand me this heart for safe keeping for a short time, but if you are taking this heart then you need to understand the responsibilities that come with it. I don’t want this heart trampled on again. I am trusting you, son. I am trusting you with one of My most precious creations. And the only reason I am giving you this opportunity is because I think you are the one for this. I think you are the one person who will do this heart justice and live up to the potential I have planned for it. Do you accept all these things and promise that this heart will be second only to Me? Then I give you this heart with many many blessings. Go forth and may this earth be blessed by My glory in you both.

I literally cannot wait for that day…

Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't change it if I wanted to

Never let a bad day be enough to go and talk you into giving up…

On the days I feel hopeless. On the days I feel like I’ll never reach that point. On the days I feel like everyone else is going to get their happy ending without me. On the days I think that I am going to be forgotten. On the days I think I’m worthless. I’ll remember this on those days. I’ll remember that there will always be a brighter day. I’ll remember that tomorrow is another chance for hope. I’ll remember that tomorrow is one day closer. I’ll remember that I have a Savior who will not forsake me and will not leave me in my sorrow. He will lift me up out of the pit of despair. He will set my feet on solid ground. I need not fear for He is near me every step of the way. Their happy ending will look nothing like my happy ending. Their story will be nothing like mine. God is going to work in my life like He has never worked in anyone else’s. I am His in a way that no one else is. I wouldn’t change that for the world.

Epiphany

We've all heard it. "Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy...." Blah blah blah...

...or maybe not...

Love. Is. Patient.

Love is patient.

Love is-ooooh! I get it! Patient!

That's the first thing love is.

That's the first thing I must learn. Patience. Frick. Why is the hardest one first? Patience sucks. It's not fair. Everyone says it's a growing experience. Screw growth!!! I want love! *sigh* Ok, fine. I know I'm wrong. I usually am on these things. Now I just sit here. Doing nothing, wanting everything. Is it too much to ask for a little encouragement? A little comfort? I just wish I knew the ending. But for now I just sit here, waiting, reading this over and over:

"I beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..." -Rainer Maria Rilke

Not forgotten

Beauty in brokenness. Beauty in worship. Beauty in God....

I sat on my porch yesterday looking at the hills and I wanted nothing more than to go Home. Not 15 minutes away to my family, but Home to my Father. I didn't want to die; I just wanted to be with my Savior. I wanted to be with my Jesus. Maia came and sat on the porch with me and I sobbed. "I want to go out to the middle of nowhere. I want to escape technology, traffic, noise, people. Anything and everything man-made. I'm sick of it. I want to be in Creation with YHWH. I don't feel Him here. I pray and I pray, but I don't hear anything anymore. It used to be so clear. I felt Him in my soul. I can't anymore." She told me that maybe I wasn't listening right and it just made me more upset. All I want it Jesus. Nothing here even matters. I started a blog on priorities, but never finished it. Basically, I was reflecting on how it was intriguing to me how priorities change so often and the things important to me today may not be so in a year, or even tomorrow. Then, on Friday, while watching Man Choir, Eternity hit me. What I mean is that I have these moments where Eternity dawns on me and I realize that forever has no end! Well, duh, right? But think about it. Everything we know in this world has an end. With God. There. Is. No. End. For-ever. Sometimes it hits me and I can't do anything but pray and be in awe of God. It made me realize that no matter how much I want or care about things in this life, nothing even comes a fraction of an inch close to eternity with YHWH. I can't WAIT for that. I am SO excited! But for now I am here and I have to revel in the beauty I find here. Maia told me that God is here in this man-made jungle dwelling in people. That is where I find my beauty. I already wrote about brokenness before God being the most beautiful thing and I am so blessed to be able to have witnessed that! But I found the second thing on Friday too. I love seeing people worship God in a setting that is not necessarily called for it. I have a friend in choir who worships God even while others around him are busy just singing words. He stands on the end of the riser with his eyes closed and I smile at the beauty of his openness with the Father. It is truly a beautiful thing. He doesn't know I've seen him and I dare not tell him because I feel like it is something so personal...but I know God speaks through moments like that. And He definitely spoke to me, showing me that He IS here among technology, traffic, and noise. He is here and He is watching out for me. I was so distraught yesterday, but I did what I do in those situations and I baked cookies for my friends. I don't even really like eating them a whole lot, but I love baking them with love and seeing people take delight in them. I made a double batch last night. Which is saying something. I still don't know why but God blessed me with something last night. He gave me a gift and I could almost hear Him saying, "Hey, kiddo. I'm still here. Don't even worry." My heart smiled with relief and comfort as I thanked jesus for remembering me. So, today I smile and dance. Today, I pray for my friends. Today, I laugh. Today, I worship. Today I fall in love with YHWH a little more. Today is definitely a Hope day, bordering on Love because Jesus is pouring it on me :)

Stopping

I was on a path, blindfolded. The path was straight so I had no fear of bumping in to anything, but I wasn't moving. Well, it's like a month ago God took off the blindfold and I look back only to realize that I WAS moving and I'd moved really far! But now the path is twisted and it has all these turns and I can see WHERE I need to go.....but God won't let me move yet. He whispers in my ear, "Wait." It's like I'm at a stoplight before getting on the freeway. You know how it doesn't turn green until you come to a full and complete stop? But you don't want to stop because that will make it that much harder to speed up to join the cars on the freeway. I haven't come to a full and complete stop, but I can't cross that line until I do. I'm trying, but I just can't seem to find the brake.....sigh

1 Corinthians 13:13

Love is the days that happiness is exuding from your very core. Love is for the days that you can't help but shout from the mountain tops. Love is the days that a smile crinkles your eyes. Love is for the days that you want to thank God over and over again for the blessings He has given you.

Hope is the days that Love is not quite there. Hope is the days where patience is key. Hope is for the days when you can almost see the Love ones. Hope is the days you put all of your trust in God because you know He'll bring the Love days.

Faith is the days that you have neither Hope nor Love. Faith is the days that you have nothing else to hold on to. Faith is the days that you know your Savior has always pulled you through and you know He will again. Faith is the days that are the hardest, but you know that God loves you and will not forsake you.

Today is a Hope day.

Hope

I went to junior high camp this weekend. Not for me (obviously), but as a counselor for my group of junior high girls. I didn't want to go. I was angry and a little bitter that I was losing my whole weekend to an event I didn't even want to attend. But I went. On the way up the mountain I plugged in my earphones and sorta detached myself from everyone's company. We arrived, unpacked, and ate food. Then we went to chapel. And that's where it all began. The theme of the weekend was Misplaced. I thought it was going to talk about not fitting in....but we talked about hope. Hope in the wrong things; hope in the right One. My attention had been caught. Day Two rolls around. I begin to share with my girls what is going on in my life with friends and guys. I told them that they could ask me anything; I was an open book and I wouldn't share anything with them that I didn't want to so they didn't have to feel bad about asking. Some of them gave up their free-time because they wanted to know. I was more than happy to share with them! The funny thing is that as I shared, they encouraged. I had been feeling a bit of despair and discourage lately. But, my girls, upon hearing bits of my story, lifted me up and reminded me where my hope lies and reminded me what hope is. Hope implies waiting patiently for something that could happen. Wishing is wanting something that is most likely unattainable. My girls reminded me to hope. They reminded me that hoping is persevering and waiting patiently for God to move. And they were right. I felt renewed after talking with them. And then night chapel came. The altar call was given to give your life to God or rededicate your life. All my kids were fine. Then they showed a video. A video on The Crowd vs. The Cross was shows and the song that played in the background was Your Grace Still Amazes Me. I saw a couple of them began to tear up. Then worship came and the one next to me started weeping a little. I put my arm around her and held her a little. She stayed for a song and then sat up to worship. I looked in front of my and another of my girls was weeping uncontrollably. Her body was shaking. No one in the entire chapel was moving. I knew that standing would cause attention to be drawn to me and cause a disturbance. I was out of my seat before anyone could blink an eye. No one else in the room mattered. I sat next to her and she collapsed with grief in my arms. I held her as tightly as I could as she sobbed her heart out. I prayed in her ear telling her that I loved her and even better the Creator of Love loved her; she had heard those words and broke down even more. I held her closer. I looked back and my little one was shedding a fountain of tears. I pulled her over the pack of the pew and held her them both, one on each side. I told them I loved them and that Jesus loved them. They held me tighter. I sang the words "Sin has lost its power. Death has lost its sting" as I held them and I broke down. I shook with happiness. I finally understood what Maia was trying to tell me about desires. In that moment, holding two of the most precious blessings I had ever known, I knew one thing. I would be ok with this for the rest of my life. I used to be so afraid to lead a life without a companion, without someone to spend the rest of my life with. But sitting there, I knew I wouldbe ok without that person if I could have the privilege of being that vessel for God in order to lead people to a place of brokenness for Him. It's not my first choice to be alone, but I could accept it, maybe even begin to enjoy it if I could live a life like this weekend. Sunday morning chapel we learned about anacondas, which seemingly have nothing to do with anything, but they told us how to escape an anaconda. 1) you don't run, 2) you lie down flat on the ground, 3) you don't panic, 4) you put your chin to the ground, 5) you let the anaconda swallow you up to your knees, and 5) you stab it with a knife upward from inside the mouth to the brain. The point being, you let it think it has the advantage before you kill it. I think I did that this weekend. All this time, the enemy has thought he's had his foot in the door with my fear of being alone. He's taunted me with it and never let it be far from my thoughts. But this weekend, I stabbed him in the mouth. All that he's worked for to taunt me and torture me is useless because I'm ok with it now. I'm not saying I feel 100 times better, but I don't feel so weighed down. I know that whatever happens is going to be ok! it's going to be more than ok, cause God is on MY side and He has a plan for me! I freakin' love junior high camp! Thank you, Jesus, for knowing what I needed and dragging my sorry butt outta bed to experience Your glory. My hope is certainly in You and You alone.

Water and Breath

Seriously, how do they expect me to sit in a cubicle in a quiet office after that!? I'm so glad that I didn't skip chapel today. It was the drink of clear, crisp, spring water that my soul needed! Not many people I know grew up engaging in worship they way I did. I was on a dance "team" where we danced to worship in church every once in a while. I grew up being able to dance behind the back row just jumping and spinning and waving my arms around. I don't feel like I am quite invited to do that here at APU, so I take it where I can get it. Today I got it :) Now, I danced throughout worship....and I danced a LOT! I could feel the eyes on me. "What the heck does that girl think she is doing with her hips in church???" I'm moving them, people. I'm swaying and popping and dancin' like a lot of white girls don't dance. Not sayin' I'm good at it but I do it anyway. This is church....where people meet God, praise God, give themselves to God. God made me. He made my body. He made it not to just stand there and sing....He made it to MOVE! So, maybe some think that I move too scandalously for chapel. I say, "To each his own." This is how I praise my God because this is how He made me. So, enjoy your quiet time and standing their prayin' with Jesus, seriously. But I'm gonna catch my breath after dancing around that aisle for an hour... ;)

Tunnel

Wow. I never thought it would come to this. I never thought it would just end. There was always that hope. I thought it was a growing hope too. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. But now....the tunnel caved in. I can't go back. I can hear the train coming. I'm stuck in here. There is no out. There is no changing things. I'm forced to brace myself for the impact of emotions. It's all my fault. Had I known, things would have happened so differently. had I known this would be the end result.....I would have tried harder. I didn't mean for you to leave. I didn't know that you were so upset with me, that you could only handle spending small amounts of time with me. I would have....well, I don't know what I would have done, but I wouldn't have let it come to this. No I sit here in the dark, sobbing. Never have I ever had such a terrible thing happen because of me. I am crushed; I am hurt; I am weak......I am so sorry.

Snow Globe

Have you ever had something in your life that you so badly did not want to screw up?.....but you were so sure that were going to one way or another? That one thing is more important to you than you ever could have dreamed of. It's so precious. It's like a snow globe. I don't know that I've ever owned a snow globe, but I love them and I've always wanted to. They are so beautiful. Little scenes on the inside with water and snowflakes floating around. I love them. I love to watch them for long periods of time just imagining things and such. But have you ever seen a snow globe break? I have. It's tragic. It not only breaks, it shatters. There is no saving it. The glass breaks into tiny pieces, the water spills on the floor, the flakes fall to the ground. The scene looks so forsaken when it isn't surrounded by all that makes it magic. I don't want this to be like that. I don't want to have it and then accidentally drop it. I couldn't fix it after that. It'd be shattered and would never be the same again. I don't think I could bear to see that. So....is it better to own the snow globe and risk dropping it? Or never own it at all?

Upside down

What do you do with life when you don't understand it? "Life doesn't make sense, but living does." My closest friend said that and it made me pause. Life really doesn't make sense. As of now, as of 2 weeks ago, my life doesn't make sense. My world got flipped upside down. I'm not complaining in any way shape or form. I love this new development. It's exciting and thrilling and so totally from God. But it doesn't make sense. Where in God's green earth did this come from!? Oh, right. It didn't come of this world. Like I said, completely upside down. But I don't want it to end!! Please, no! I'm perfectly content living this way. Sure, some additions to the development would be nice, but I know that God's timing is ideal and that's what I want. So I sit here stopping everything I've normally done. I redirect my thoughts for the sake of them being filled with the Spirit. I pray hour after hour in order to keep my focus in the right direction. I don't know how I'm going to get through the days, months, years to come. But I know that I can't wait :)

Silence

We were called to silence today in chapel. Silence to hear the still small voice of God. I didn't want to...but what else was I going to do? I leaned forward in my seat, hands clasped before me, eyes closed, head bowed. I began to pray. It started with confusion and a desire for guidance. Then it changed. I prayed for IT to be taken away. I don't want IT. I want to be solely focused on God, nothing else. I'm so much happier with Jesus. I don't get sad and frustrated while I live in Jesus. My heart sped up, my breathing became rapid and deep, my eyes welled with tears. I repeated, over and over, "I don't want it. Please. Take it away!" I wanted someone around me to comfort me in this despair. And then it happened in an instant. My heart slowed; my breath was soft, my eyes stopped tearing. I felt the faintest comfort as if a mother was rubbing the back of her child. And in that instance I knew everything was going to be okay. Missing man choir concerts didn't matter. Stupid "jamba juice" didn't matter. Even school and work didn't matter. Nothing mattered in comparison to the fact that God was with me in that moment, holding me in that moment, loving me in that moment. I had been playing with my purity ring during that time and during the one song we sang for music worship. I was about to put it back on my hand and looked down at it. If anyone knows about my ring they know that it has a heart on it and I wear the heart according to my relationship status because it is a version of the Irish claddagh ring and that is it's "purpose." I've worn it upside down for over a year now and I always instinctively put it on that way, but when I went to put it on today it was right side up, technically showing I was in a relationship. I went to flip it but I paused for a second. My purity ring does not show dedication to a man or anything worldly. My purity ring is my vow to God. With that, I slipped my ring on the right way this time, different than I have been for the past year. I'm not in a relationship with a guy, but I am in a relationship with my Savior, as evidence has proven to me today. No one is going to notice that I flipped my ring. No one is gonna notice that I'm taking a step in a new direction necessarily. But that's okay. I know the truth. I know how I feel. And that is all that matters. God is my focus, whether I like it or not :) I listen to my ipod at work and usually jump around picking songs I like before I put it on shuffle. Well, the first song that played after my picking and choosing (I really only listened to one song of my choosing and that was Revelation 19 by the APU Man Choir) was Welcome Home You by Brian Littrell. And the words hit home:

When I left home to be who I am
Some people said "No Way"
But I laid it all down, gave everything
In my head rang the words that my father said

You're never far
I will be where you are
and when you come to me
I will open my arms

Welcome Home, you
I know you by name
How do you do?
I shine because of you today
So come and sit down
Tell me how you are
I know son, it's good just to see your face.

When I look at you holding my heart
I will give to you all that I have
Son I know there'll be times
You will feel all alone
I will share with you the words my father said

You're never far
I will be where you are
and when you come to me
You can bet I will open my arms

Welcome Home, you
I know you by name
How do you do?
I shine because of you today
So come and sit down
Tell me how you are
I know son, it's good just to see your face

Said I've been waiting for that day
Just to feel your warm embrace
Your love has shown
I will never be alone
You will welcome me home

I'll forever be
You will say to me
Welcome Home, you
I know you by name
How do you do?
I shine because of you today
So come and sit down
Tell me how you are
I know son, it's good just to see your face

When I left home to be who I am
Some people said "No Way"

Awesome, right? The bold parts are the ones that spoke to me the most. It didn't stop there. The next song was Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns:

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

Chorus:
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Yeah. This whole song would be bold. I kinda laughed to myself at how blatant God was being. And I knew it was going to stop there because the chances that my ipod would pick another song just for me were very slim to none. But God had other ideas. Adding to the Noise by Switchfoot came on and I literally laughed out loud. This is what we had been talking about at the beginning of chapel! Silence in all the craziness that this world has become. It got to a part where the song said to turn it off because it was adding to the noise. And in that moment I knew that today was a day for listening. Not to people chattering, not to my ipod, not to anything but God. So as I sit here and write this, I wait. Listening for that still, small voice of reassurance that everything is going to be okay.

In the state of Confusion...

There are two kinds of food. One is a Jamba drink. A sweet, tangy smoothie that makes your mouth pucker, but sends sweet deliciousness down your throat. I like Jamba drinks a LOT! I am always excited to drink them! The other food is chocolate chip cookies. Ooey and gooey and melt-in-your-mouth. I could eat those kind of cookies ALL day! It brings a feeling of comfort and warmth. Chocolate chip cookies melt my heart. But, as always seems to be, there is a catch. You can only pick one kind of food to eat in order to even THINK about getting out of the state of Confusion. None of the borders can be passed unless you've picked a food. And you can't ever have both. Which do you choose? Which would you want to eat day in and day out? It's near impossible to choose because there is a second catch. Once you pick that one, you can't ever have the other. So the question is: tangy or sweet? Exciting zing or melt your heart? I honestly can't decide.

Caring

What does it mean to care about someone? What does it mean to put their needs before your own? What if what you thought was really just a twisted version of caring? What if it wasn't seen as caring to someone else? What if other people saw it as selfish? What if other people saw it as boasting? What if other people still saw you as this amazing person that you know you are not? What if they thought that what you were doing was a blessing, but you just do it because you know you were meant to? Who's right? Who's wrong? What's true? What's false? How could we even begin to measure that, judge that? What if I'm doing this for the wrong reasons? What if I'm doing it to live vicariously?

But that's just one instance. Put yourself in the situation that you would change for anything in this world? What if it was the one person you wish you could make happy even if they never knew it was you? Would you do it? If you could change their entire circumstances, take away their pain, erase the brokenness....all without them knowing it was you, would you do it? What if they went running back to the brokenness? What then? Was it all for nothing? Could you watch them do that all over again? It sort of reminds me of God, in a way. He gives us this amazing love and a chance to erase away all the hurt. Yet, we constantly go back to it. How do we stop? How do we stay away from the things that break us? Why is it so darn difficult to keep our gaze on Him? Why is it that we run out of His arms in to the pain of this world? Why are we so....stubborn? .... that's it. Stubbornness. We're stubborn. We want to do it on our own. That explains it....I can't fix stubbornness. That's something you have to work through on you own. I'm not one to sway my opinion because of what other people think, especially in situations so close to my heart. I care. Bottom line. Take that as you will. Whether you think it is a blessing or a selfish act. I can't deny or agree either way because you each have your own opinions. I am the way I am. I am the way God created me to be. He gave me this tender heart to be there for the people who need me. So here I am; take it or leave it. i want to help. I want to be a support. I want to listen. I want to comfort. I want to carry. I want to be there.....but you have to let me. Until you do, I'm standing on the sidelines watching you run back to the pain. I ache for you. I wish it didn't have to be like this but you are being so damn stubborn. But, in the end, whether you like it or not, I care...

Superwoman

I don't even know where to begin. I love my mom. I LOVE my mom. So many times I have said that I wanted to be nothing like my mother and I hated the frustration she sometimes brought. But tonight I sit back and think about it, think about our relationship....

Junior/Senior year my mom and I started to grow apart a lot. I didn't want to tell her things. I didn't want her advice. I wanted to do the things she didn't want me to. I wasn't as defiant as most but it angered me. I felt like she was holding me back. I even accused her once of destroying and putting down my dreams. I once aspired to be a musician. And, in all honestly, I probably could have if I had truly wanted it. At the time, I wanted to go to a music school and tone my skills that God had given me. But my mom shot it down. She told me that she didn't approve of me going to a school like that. I was crushed. I thought my mom was saying she didn't like who I was becoming; that she was saying she didn't approve of who I wanted to be. So I distanced myself and convinced my mind that she didn't want the best for me. I left for my first year of college, glad that I could be away from that and start doing what I wanted.

But God had other plans...

My mom was right. I wasn't cut out for music. I wasn't even cut out for my second choice, English. It wasn't meant for me; I just didn't know it at the time. Slowly, freshman year of college I started growing back into a friendship with my mom. I started telling her about who I liked and who I didn't, what profs where cool and which I would avoid for eternity, what I struggled with. This year my mom and I started having monthly dinners together and I began to look forward to them! I told my mom things I never thought I'd tell her! Guilt and shame that I felt. Things that i was not proud of. Things I was angry about. Things I desired. Now, I keep my mom updated. I don't tell her everything (hey! A girl's gotta have SOME freedom!) but I tell her what is important to me and I make sure that everyone who means a lot to me meets her because I hope that someday I can be half the woman she is. Half of her would be...incredible! My mom is one of the strongest people I know! She's been through...so much. She's seen so much and helped people through so much. Even tonight my bestie and I were talking about a bunch of things and she brought up something my mom mentioned to her. It made me happy that my friends look up to my mom too. My mom's heart is so far reaching. She loves so many as if they were her own flesh and blood. I only hope to be just like her. She's so silly (just ask about yoga fish or helmets) yet she cares so much about the people in her life that she is willing to sacrafice for them. She is so trong. She is my hero. I want to be my mom because my mom is Superwoman.

Human nature

Why do I have to be human? Why do I have to have flaws? Why can't I be as strong as I want to be? Ugh! It frustrates me so much that I have to be weak at times. Why do those feelings creep up on me? I hate being jealous. It's sickening that I am. Here is something so beautiful and so obviously from God and I am sitting here wishing I didn't have to watch at times. I don't want it to end (Oh please, God, no!) in any way, shape, or form. In fact, I wish I could keep it here so it didn't have to leave for a while. I just wish that.....well, I wish I was content too. I was. I used to be...until some of those feelings I was talking about crept up on me. Not jealousy this time though. No this one has more to do with bliss and happiness. I just think it's being clouded by confusion and twisted by the jealousy. So, until I can figure out how to blow away the fog and wring out the jealousy, I'm doomed to this pitiful human nature. I sat in the hammock last night, out in the freezing cold (my toes were numb), crying out to God, asking Him for guidance, telling Him that I wasn't strong and that I didn't have the answers. It scares me, the future. I have so many words of comfort and guidance for the beautiful and obvious blessing. When it comes to that, God can't seem to STOP talking. But when it comes to me.......silence. Then my reality kicks in, the part of me that makes me who I am and I realize how much complaining I have just done. The guilt sets in, the shaking of my head in shame. I sit up a little straighter, remember not everything in life is fair. Remember that God has His own timing and remember that in no way shape or form has He forgotten about His little human daughter. sigh. I can do this.....with some help of course because there is no way I am as strong as people think I am. Inhale. Ready, set, GO!

Chivalry

What the heck happened to chivalry? What the heck happened to courtesy and kindness? Has the world fallen into stubborn and cruel hands? I'm beginning to believe so. And beginning to believe that almost everyone is caving in to the conformity.

This morning I was on my way to work when I got stopped at a red light. Then I was stopped at a green light....for a while and I am not a patient green light "waiter." So I look and see that the girl two cars ahead of me isn't moving and I can tell that she is panicking. I realize that her car won't start. I'm trying to pull up to see if I can help but the woman in front of me isn't moving. I, then assume that the lady is going to help and I got really excited, but no. She backs up and drives off. I was so angry. So I pull up behind the girl (she looks 17 but she informed me that she's 20 later on). No, I don't know much about cars, but I know enough to try and few things and if all else fails then put it in neutral and push it to the side of the road. I did those few things and I put it in neutral...or at least I tried. The shift was stuck, the car completely dead. Not even the emergency lights would work. And then I did what all girls do when stuck with a car problem and unable to call AAA...I called my dad! We figured out that it was probably the battery since it was corroding and there was no power. My dad, being the hero that he is, went home to get backing soda and come over to help us, but he was still 20 mins off. The girl's dad was about the same. We sat there for a good 30 mins and you want to know how many people offered to help? Zero. None of the bunches of cars that past us even rolled down a window to see if we were ok. I was SO angry! This poor girl was so confused and she'd never had this happen before. I barely even knew what to do so there was little chance of MY help! But I couldn't leave her alone. Where is the kindness that people used to lend to one another when someone was in need? Even 3 years ago I had 2 guys help me push my car when it ran out of gas in the middle of an intersection. Where were the two guys for this girl? Where was the kindness and compassion for this girl? Non-existant. Sure, i stopped. Sure, I was nice. But I couldn't do a whole heck of a lot and someone with a little bit of muscle or knowledge on cars would have been a godsend. Oh and after sitting there for 30 mins, do you know what it took to start the car? A little shake of some wires. That's it. Someone who knew cars and pulled over for 2 mins could have helped us, but no. People are rude and in too much of a hurry to the chaos they call life that they can't even be a few minutes late to work to help someone out. Absolutely pitiful.

Flying Flip

One friend telling me to bring out the poet in me ("writer's block my butt") and another saying blogging isn't for personal stuff. Thanks for the advice, guys. Here's a little of both:

One step.
Jump a little over the black hill.
Landing in the meadow of white.
Jump a little.
Skip a Little.
One foot on the black, one foot on the white.
Lots of them join, hopping and jumping, others walking along.
No one knows what it is until the end.
No one hears the song the fingers play.
No one hears the song.


Basically, you can hate it. I don't give a flying flip. I'm just happy to be writing something from my own head of my own free will. Maybe one day I'll pick up one those stories...maybe

Chaos

So here is the deal. I’ve got this crazy bunch of emotions piling up inside my chest, inside my mind, inside my body. I just can’t figure it all out. Everything is a battle within my soul right now. I can’t think straight. My soul it sighs. A deep sigh. So profound and spiritually physical that I can’t distinguish it. Is my body physically aching? Or is this just an emotion running deep down inside of me? My mind thinks of it over and over. Picking at every detail, trying to solve it out the best way I know how. The problem is that there is an unknown variable that I never counted for. God. He’s changed the whole dynamic. The whole layout. I don’t know what to expect anymore. My past predictions and encounters don’t line up this time. I CAN’T FIGURE IT OUT! I hate not knowing things! What am I gonna do! I can’t handle this pressure and strain and confusion!!!! I stretch out my hands and lift up my heart in all of its pain and frustration and then….I can breathe.