As I lay living...

My friend has a poster up in his apartment for the band As I Lay Dying. I never really gave it much thought until I was thinking of a title for this post. It was the first thing that came to mind. Why? It could be because I was over there just yesterday playing Rock Band and I saw it. It could be because I have seen it a hundred times before. Or it could be something else...

Maybe it is because I don't understand it. I don't understand why someone would name a band after such a depressing phrase. Maybe...

I think it because I feel like I am dying. I am not the old me I was in Junior High or even High School. I have one friend from that lifetime that I still keep in regular contact with. My best friends abandoned me. My friends abandoned me. The boy I loved at the time abandoned me. Or maybe, in a twisted way, I abandoned them...

I mean, I tried hard to stay in contact and mend things. Believe me. But maybe deep down I really wanted away. I wanted something different because I knew I was changing. I was becoming a different person. I don't mean I morphed into a monster or became a model or anything. But they way I think, act, and feel is different now. I feel older and more responsible for where my life goes. I have taken my spirituality to a level I didn't think I would ever reach. I am communicating with GOD! How cool is that? But with that responsibility and communication comes this heavy burden that I am having trouble bearing. I am forbidden from eating the fruit and yet these two pieces just keep taunting me, floating right in front of my face, just out of reach. If I put in some effort I could get them most likely. I could reach out and either of them could be mine. But there is a Voice whispering in my ear saying, "Be still and know that I am God." So I sit here trying to be so patient. I don't know if I can do it. I am so tired and frustrated of standing so still. I want to DO something!!! I want to take charge of the situation...but I know that God is trying to teach me trust and humility along with patience and perseverance. So here I sit, waiting and listening, praying on my knees that God will save me from my insanity.