Hope

I went to junior high camp this weekend. Not for me (obviously), but as a counselor for my group of junior high girls. I didn't want to go. I was angry and a little bitter that I was losing my whole weekend to an event I didn't even want to attend. But I went. On the way up the mountain I plugged in my earphones and sorta detached myself from everyone's company. We arrived, unpacked, and ate food. Then we went to chapel. And that's where it all began. The theme of the weekend was Misplaced. I thought it was going to talk about not fitting in....but we talked about hope. Hope in the wrong things; hope in the right One. My attention had been caught. Day Two rolls around. I begin to share with my girls what is going on in my life with friends and guys. I told them that they could ask me anything; I was an open book and I wouldn't share anything with them that I didn't want to so they didn't have to feel bad about asking. Some of them gave up their free-time because they wanted to know. I was more than happy to share with them! The funny thing is that as I shared, they encouraged. I had been feeling a bit of despair and discourage lately. But, my girls, upon hearing bits of my story, lifted me up and reminded me where my hope lies and reminded me what hope is. Hope implies waiting patiently for something that could happen. Wishing is wanting something that is most likely unattainable. My girls reminded me to hope. They reminded me that hoping is persevering and waiting patiently for God to move. And they were right. I felt renewed after talking with them. And then night chapel came. The altar call was given to give your life to God or rededicate your life. All my kids were fine. Then they showed a video. A video on The Crowd vs. The Cross was shows and the song that played in the background was Your Grace Still Amazes Me. I saw a couple of them began to tear up. Then worship came and the one next to me started weeping a little. I put my arm around her and held her a little. She stayed for a song and then sat up to worship. I looked in front of my and another of my girls was weeping uncontrollably. Her body was shaking. No one in the entire chapel was moving. I knew that standing would cause attention to be drawn to me and cause a disturbance. I was out of my seat before anyone could blink an eye. No one else in the room mattered. I sat next to her and she collapsed with grief in my arms. I held her as tightly as I could as she sobbed her heart out. I prayed in her ear telling her that I loved her and even better the Creator of Love loved her; she had heard those words and broke down even more. I held her closer. I looked back and my little one was shedding a fountain of tears. I pulled her over the pack of the pew and held her them both, one on each side. I told them I loved them and that Jesus loved them. They held me tighter. I sang the words "Sin has lost its power. Death has lost its sting" as I held them and I broke down. I shook with happiness. I finally understood what Maia was trying to tell me about desires. In that moment, holding two of the most precious blessings I had ever known, I knew one thing. I would be ok with this for the rest of my life. I used to be so afraid to lead a life without a companion, without someone to spend the rest of my life with. But sitting there, I knew I wouldbe ok without that person if I could have the privilege of being that vessel for God in order to lead people to a place of brokenness for Him. It's not my first choice to be alone, but I could accept it, maybe even begin to enjoy it if I could live a life like this weekend. Sunday morning chapel we learned about anacondas, which seemingly have nothing to do with anything, but they told us how to escape an anaconda. 1) you don't run, 2) you lie down flat on the ground, 3) you don't panic, 4) you put your chin to the ground, 5) you let the anaconda swallow you up to your knees, and 5) you stab it with a knife upward from inside the mouth to the brain. The point being, you let it think it has the advantage before you kill it. I think I did that this weekend. All this time, the enemy has thought he's had his foot in the door with my fear of being alone. He's taunted me with it and never let it be far from my thoughts. But this weekend, I stabbed him in the mouth. All that he's worked for to taunt me and torture me is useless because I'm ok with it now. I'm not saying I feel 100 times better, but I don't feel so weighed down. I know that whatever happens is going to be ok! it's going to be more than ok, cause God is on MY side and He has a plan for me! I freakin' love junior high camp! Thank you, Jesus, for knowing what I needed and dragging my sorry butt outta bed to experience Your glory. My hope is certainly in You and You alone.