Silence

We were called to silence today in chapel. Silence to hear the still small voice of God. I didn't want to...but what else was I going to do? I leaned forward in my seat, hands clasped before me, eyes closed, head bowed. I began to pray. It started with confusion and a desire for guidance. Then it changed. I prayed for IT to be taken away. I don't want IT. I want to be solely focused on God, nothing else. I'm so much happier with Jesus. I don't get sad and frustrated while I live in Jesus. My heart sped up, my breathing became rapid and deep, my eyes welled with tears. I repeated, over and over, "I don't want it. Please. Take it away!" I wanted someone around me to comfort me in this despair. And then it happened in an instant. My heart slowed; my breath was soft, my eyes stopped tearing. I felt the faintest comfort as if a mother was rubbing the back of her child. And in that instance I knew everything was going to be okay. Missing man choir concerts didn't matter. Stupid "jamba juice" didn't matter. Even school and work didn't matter. Nothing mattered in comparison to the fact that God was with me in that moment, holding me in that moment, loving me in that moment. I had been playing with my purity ring during that time and during the one song we sang for music worship. I was about to put it back on my hand and looked down at it. If anyone knows about my ring they know that it has a heart on it and I wear the heart according to my relationship status because it is a version of the Irish claddagh ring and that is it's "purpose." I've worn it upside down for over a year now and I always instinctively put it on that way, but when I went to put it on today it was right side up, technically showing I was in a relationship. I went to flip it but I paused for a second. My purity ring does not show dedication to a man or anything worldly. My purity ring is my vow to God. With that, I slipped my ring on the right way this time, different than I have been for the past year. I'm not in a relationship with a guy, but I am in a relationship with my Savior, as evidence has proven to me today. No one is going to notice that I flipped my ring. No one is gonna notice that I'm taking a step in a new direction necessarily. But that's okay. I know the truth. I know how I feel. And that is all that matters. God is my focus, whether I like it or not :) I listen to my ipod at work and usually jump around picking songs I like before I put it on shuffle. Well, the first song that played after my picking and choosing (I really only listened to one song of my choosing and that was Revelation 19 by the APU Man Choir) was Welcome Home You by Brian Littrell. And the words hit home:

When I left home to be who I am
Some people said "No Way"
But I laid it all down, gave everything
In my head rang the words that my father said

You're never far
I will be where you are
and when you come to me
I will open my arms

Welcome Home, you
I know you by name
How do you do?
I shine because of you today
So come and sit down
Tell me how you are
I know son, it's good just to see your face.

When I look at you holding my heart
I will give to you all that I have
Son I know there'll be times
You will feel all alone
I will share with you the words my father said

You're never far
I will be where you are
and when you come to me
You can bet I will open my arms

Welcome Home, you
I know you by name
How do you do?
I shine because of you today
So come and sit down
Tell me how you are
I know son, it's good just to see your face

Said I've been waiting for that day
Just to feel your warm embrace
Your love has shown
I will never be alone
You will welcome me home

I'll forever be
You will say to me
Welcome Home, you
I know you by name
How do you do?
I shine because of you today
So come and sit down
Tell me how you are
I know son, it's good just to see your face

When I left home to be who I am
Some people said "No Way"

Awesome, right? The bold parts are the ones that spoke to me the most. It didn't stop there. The next song was Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns:

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy, you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

Chorus:
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
The voice of truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again. "Boy you'll never win!"
"You'll never win!"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them lookin' down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Yeah. This whole song would be bold. I kinda laughed to myself at how blatant God was being. And I knew it was going to stop there because the chances that my ipod would pick another song just for me were very slim to none. But God had other ideas. Adding to the Noise by Switchfoot came on and I literally laughed out loud. This is what we had been talking about at the beginning of chapel! Silence in all the craziness that this world has become. It got to a part where the song said to turn it off because it was adding to the noise. And in that moment I knew that today was a day for listening. Not to people chattering, not to my ipod, not to anything but God. So as I sit here and write this, I wait. Listening for that still, small voice of reassurance that everything is going to be okay.